Sweet Dreams (Phan)

Sweet Dreams (Phan)
Pairing: Phan
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Dan/Phil
Disclaimer: I don't know either Dan or Phil in person and I do not own any of them. Although I wish I did.


You told me that it was okay, that it was totally fine with you. You faked a smile, trying to reassure me that everything was perfectly fine.

How could you lie to me? Why did you lie to me?

Perhaps if you've told me the truth I wouldn't have  to suffer that much right now, and maybe you'd still be here with me, faking another smile.
If you were still here I'd maybe change my mind. You never know, you would have to be here to find out.
I told you that I didn't know, that I was trying to figure it out.

Just the thought of it all makes me cry, you know. The doctor gave me some sleeping pills, he told me that they would help me fall asleep. How stupid was I to believe him? I don't think I will ever fall back asleep. After what happened, I can't imagine falling asleep.

I try to smile, laugh and participate in life, but you make things harder. You make things more difficult if you haven't yet realized. Every night, I lay wide awake in bed thinking about you, and while I do, I cry, you told me never to cry for you, but how could I manage to do that? I couldn't.

I didn't socialize with anyone since you're gone, I didn't even really leave the house. I don't see why I should, there isn't anything that will change what had happened.

You shouldn't be surprised if I tell you that now, I didn't eat. I didn't eat since you've left. Nothing at all, it's been a tough month but I just couldn't and still can't eat.

Everything I do reminds me of you. It hurts me to think about you, and every time I have to enter the bathroom, I am ready to rip my heart out, I cry and collapse onto the cold tile floor.
Memories of you killing me. They really are, I sometimes wish it was me who went away. If I did leave, I probably wouldn't hurt so much.

I keep thinking that it was all my fault. In fact, it was all my fault. If I answered you differently you maybe wouldn't hurt that much or if I just didn't say anything, it wouldn't hurt you at all.

Dan, I'm sorry about everything that happened.

I told you that I wasn't sure, couldn't you just wait? Just wait for some time? I didn't ask for much. Why did you have to make me hurt so bad?

"Phil, I love you" you said, tightening your grip of my shirt, burying your face into my chest.
I just ran a hand through your hair and let you spill your tears onto my shirt.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I wish I could tell you the same..."
You then cried out loud, it was like a scream. I told you it was okay, I rubbed your back and rocked you to sleep. I was whispering that everything would be fine.
"Give me time," I said. "I might change my mind, I don't know what I feel just yet."
You then whispered, "how long do I have to wait?"
I just whispered back, "until I work it all out."
You then  pushed me away from the hug and run out of the room, slamming the door behind you, locking yourself in your bedroom.


I thought you were okay. How stupid was I? It's that night that you cut yourself real deep, the blood stains are still there, on your bedroom floor. I often go into your bedroom, in hope that you are there, sitting on the floor where the blood stains now lay. When I realize you aren't there, that you simply can't be there, I break down.

The next morning you were awake real early, I was questioning myself if you slept at all. I was right, indeed, you didn't.
You were sitting there, on the breakfast bar, eyes following the movement of your feet.
I asked, "are you okay?"
You answered, "yeah, sure, why shouldn't it be?" and you faked this smile. I thought it was a real smile though, your dimples showing, your chocolate brown eyes sparkling.
It's then that I've seen your wrist, I dropped the mug I was holding and it fell apart into many tiny pieces.
You stared at me with wide eyes but before you could even say anything I pulled you into a tight hug and whispered, "don't you ever do that again."
"I'm sorry," you cried.
I grabbed your wrist and kissed the fresh scars, "You're too beautiful to do this to yourself."
"Don't say it if you don't mean it," you ran away from me and hid in the bathroom.

I thought you were just sobbing on the floor, as I heard loud cries. I thought you just needed some space. I knocked on the bathroom door several times but you just told me to leave you alone.

I thought you just needed time. Oh how wrong was I?

It was noon now and you still didn't leave the bathroom, I heard you've stopped crying so I just opened the door, not bothering to knock, I thought you were asleep.

What I saw made me want to fall apart, like the mug this morning.

You were sitting there, on the floor beside the sink, a bottle of vodka in one hand and a bottle of pills in the other.

The bottle of vodka was half empty, but the bottle of pills was completely empty. Your eyes were open, you were smiling. I didn't know if it was a real smile or one of your fake smiles. I knelt down in front of you and whispered "Why?"
You never answered, I pulled you into a tight hug and I could feel your hands hugging me back.
"I love you..." you said. I could feel you smiling behind the words you've said.
I felt your hands numb, your eyes were still open though, they were so perfect, like chocolate, so sweet and innocent.

"Sweet dreams," I whispered, planting a kiss on your dry, numb lips.

When I looked back into your eyes, they were closed, and that's when I knew you were asleep, and you wouldn't wake up again.


Daniel Howell, I love you.